I need to take back my rant from a couple posts ago. I had a big talk with my sis yesterday, and as it turns out, she's talked to the kids about Nevan, and shown them her picture. She told me I can talk with them, explain things, whatever I feel. I guess my nephew was just being a 9 year old little dude. Either the conversation was over his head, or he was uncomfortable. Just another case of me making something bigger in my head than it really was, and stewing over it. (Yep, I do that a lot) I think if I want Nevan remembered, mentioned etc. I have to be the one to set the example, mention her name, talk about her, and then it will be less awkward with my awkward family. Ahhh.

On a positive note, Chris and I went out for a great date tonight. It was his bday, so we went for sushi and beer, then had ice cream at the beach. It was a fun night. It really felt like old times, where we would go out all the time for dates and dinner and fun. I ate lots of raw fish, and drank beer, and thought to myself, I don't think I'd be doing this if I had a 5 month old. (?????). So a bit bittersweet, but aren't most things these days? We're going camping for the rest of the week, so it'll be good to get away, get out of the city, and relax for a bit.

Nevan,
I've been making a real effort to be positive lately. To think positively, to try and block out the negative, the hurt, the pain, to try and be happy for daddy. I even found some 'positive affitmations' online, and wrote them out and put them up around the house. I also found some affirmations for pregnancy and good outcomes. (Will save for later, when - hopefully - we'll be pregnant again). Anyways, I guess they help, at the time, but it's all still very hard. Today's 5 months since you were born. Again, 5 months sounds like such a long time, and sometimes feels that way, but most of the time it feels like a couple weeks ago. I guess that was a factor in this week being hard. I can say that I still feel completely lost. I haven't gone back to work yet, although I've done some freelance from home. I really need to start getting on the work train, my 'sick leave' will be done by the end of summer. I got a message today about a job, and kind of freaked out. I will call back tomorrow, because I know it's beyond time to go back, to get on with things, to go back out into the world and live life. I read somewhere recently that our babies would want us to lead a good life. So with that, I'll get myself together, and start living again, I guess?

This is the necklace I got (made Chris) get me for my birthday. It's a wee tiny heart with footprints on the front, and Nevan's name engraved on the back. There's also a rose quartz stone for healing of emotional pain. I wear the necklace every day.
I was at my sister's yesterday, swimming with my nephew and niece, who are 9 and 7. My nephew was looking at the necklace, and said: "there's little feet on your necklace", to which I replied: "yeah, it's to remember Nevan". Then he said "who's Nevan?" I said:" My baby that died".
Ouch. Kind of broke my heart all over again. My family is one of those that never talks about anything difficult, or taboo, or anything even remotely uncomfortable really. I knew that my sister told the kids something like they were not going to have a cousin right now, but later. She was then waiting for them to ask questions, which I guess they haven't. I think she also told them not to say anything to me cause I'd be sad. I didn't know she didn't even tell them that they had a cousin, her name was Nevan, and she died. I gave my sister a beautiful picture of Nevan, and she put it in her drawer "until the right time" I feel as time passes, it's just more awkward to bring things up to the kids. It really devastates me. I remember in the early days after she died, my mom and sister would call me every day, all upbeat and cheery, going on about news or gossip, trying to take my mind off things I guess. I have told them repeatedly that I'm always thinking of Nevan, nothing they could say would make me sadder, and it makes me very happy to hear Nevan's name mentioned. My mom said we all need to talk about things, and that she'd live on in our family. But none of this has happened or is happening. It's all just so frustrating. I guess my sis is just trying to protect her kids, but all of the grief books I've read say you've go to tell kids the truth, (but not give gory details) and let them ask questions. I guess I feel like my baby, my mom's granddaughter, my sister's niece is just being swept under the rug because it's all uncomfortable to talk about. Another huge loss in my already huge loss. Another thing that makes me feel more alone and isolated.

I spent this past month being very ambivalent about ttc. One moment I was like "it'll happen when it happens", and other moments panicking, obsessing, living and breathing trying to get pregnant. But not really. I wasn't taking my temperature or charting, just obsessively calculating when I might ovulate. My cycle has been a bit weird since Nevan's birth, but AF is coming any day. I know for sure, and the breakout on my chin is definite evidence.

When I got pregnant with Nevan, we had just got engaged. We went on a week vacation to Dominican Republic, and when we go home, I had a strong suspicion we might be pregnant. In the few days leading up to AF, I KNEW for sure I was. I even started reading pregnancy books while Chris was at work. I took a pregnancy test one day and it turned positive immediately. I was scared to tell Chris, so I waited a couple days till he was off. I told him, and took another test. Positive immediately again. We were surprised, but so happy. I just have a feeling that conceiving another baby will never be so easy and carefree again. We haven't been trying to prevent conception for a couple months, and nothing's happened. I know that's nothing in the world of ttc, but I really wonder if it will ever happen for us again. I wish I could just turn off my brain, and a period of time would pass, and I'd have a healthy baby in my arms. Life is not that simple I guess.

Sweet Nevan, I'll never forget you. You're in my heart and my thoughts always, and I will always be missing you.
Love mommy

same ole..

Things have been rough this past week. Maybe I'm on a low after all of the wedding distraction.
Chris's cousin had her twin girls. Over a month early, but they're fine. I just don't understand how some people can have twins, triplets, or 19 kids and counting, and my one was taken from me. (I don't wish anyone's child would die or anything, I just wish mine didn't). We saw his whole family the day after the twins were born, and no one told me. I found out about a week after they were born. (Just before I got the birth announcement in my email). Talk about kick me when I'm down. I just hate the fact that most people in my life now walk on eggshells around me. It definitely doesn't help.
Some friends of ours that we see at least once a week are about 16 wks pregnant. I was pretty ok with it (just a small kick in the gut when looking at ultrasound pics, hearing other people gush about the baby etc..) but now that she's starting to show and rub her belly all the time, I'm starting to have a really hard time with it.
Well, this ended up being a big pity party post, and on the day when I've decided I need to make an effort to think more positively. I guess I can start tomorrow...

Sweet Nevan,
I looked through your memory box today and all your pictures. You had the cutest little hands and feet. They were exactly the same as Daddy's. Actually, you looked like his 'mini-me'. I think of you all the time and hope you can feel my love.
Mommy

Heavy

I came home from our support group last night feeling very heavy, sad, depressed and a bit stressed. Maybe that's all a hint I should stop going?! I haven't gone in a while because if I've felt good that day I've wanted to hang onto that feeling for as long as it lasted - because the downs still come quite often. I guess I went last night because it's been awhile, and I needed to talk about Nevan. I'm not very outspoken and it just felt like everyone was competing for "air time". Seriously, there were some big talkers. Maybe I should go to a counsellor for guaranteed talk time. I do find what's helped me the most is reading other people's blogs and experiences. I've found some others who've had almost the same experience I did with Nevan, and just hearing (or reading) their thoughts and feelings has helped.

The wedding last week turned out to be so nice. And it was great to see all of my girls again, I shouldn't have been dreading it. The whole week was actually a welcome distraction and I was too busy at times to always be grieving, which was actually very nice. During the week, the 4 month mark kind of blew by. Now that it's been 4 months, it's starting to feel like a long time has passed. Before I was thinking "it's only been 2 months, 3 months, 3.5 months...." I remember in the first weeks I couldn't imagine making it to 3 or 4 months out. I think now maybe I'm feeling pressure to be "feeling better" or "moving on" put on me from other people. Really, how can you go back to being the same person after your child has died? I do laugh and have fun sometimes, but I feel like a very changed version of myself, with a very heavy heart. I feel like I'm in a weird limbo: so far away from Nevan's birth and death, but also not pregnant, and so far away from becoming a mom.

butterflies...

I held a baby on Friday night. The first since Nevan. We were going to friends for dinner, and I was a bit nervous all day. They lost a baby last year, so it was different in a way, I wasn't dreading it like I would have been if they hadn't (that sounds horrible, doesn't it?). The mom knew how I was feeling, and it was nice to hold their little 8 week old girl. Chris held her for a long time too. It didn't upset me at all really. It was nice. Hopefully we'll have our own baby to hold next year.

Our support group puts on a butterfly release picnic every year, and we went yesterday to release a butterfly for Nevan. It was a nice event, but I was surprised at how many people were there (I'd say between 100-200). So it felt a bit less lonely, to see that many people in real life in our area who'd lost babies. There were also lots of new babies and some pregnant ladies around, which gave me hope to see. It does happen. People have babies after loss. I really needed to see it and feel some hope after a pretty rough week.

I need air..

Ugghh...just feeling blah lately. I'm so sick of all these ups and downs. Just when I'm feeling a bit normal or ok the bad days come again. I feel like I had a delayed reaction to the autopsy results and last week was bad. Chris was also away for a few days on a business trip, so the house was quiet and lonely. At over 3.5 months out I'm impatient with this grief and just want to feel some happiness and hope again. I'm so tired of the weight on my shoulders and hole in my chest.

My best friend is in town from New Zealand for her wedding. It's been hard trying to connect over email or skype about all this. I was actually really dreading seeing her but I did this weekend, and it was completely fine and we had some good chats. I went to her bridal shower, and felt a bit emotional (especially when a couple gals my age with kids there asked me if I had any....awkward). I did end up telling them about Nevan, it just kind of came out before I had a chance to think of anything else to say. I felt a bit wierd after like the "debbie downer" at the shower, but they were ok with it I guess. I have to admit, I'm really dreading seeing the other bridesmaids. They're coming in the day before the wedding, and it's the first I've seen any of them since Nevan. One has been super amazing and supportive, and I haven't heard much from the other. I just feel like I'm going to have to be "on" all weekend, which will be exhausting. I find it hard to be excited or happy about much these days, especially to fake it around others who will be super excited.

Nevan,
I miss you so much. I think of you every day and just wish you were here with us.