I came home from our support group last night feeling very heavy, sad, depressed and a bit stressed. Maybe that's all a hint I should stop going?! I haven't gone in a while because if I've felt good that day I've wanted to hang onto that feeling for as long as it lasted - because the downs still come quite often. I guess I went last night because it's been awhile, and I needed to talk about Nevan. I'm not very outspoken and it just felt like everyone was competing for "air time". Seriously, there were some big talkers. Maybe I should go to a counsellor for guaranteed talk time. I do find what's helped me the most is reading other people's blogs and experiences. I've found some others who've had almost the same experience I did with Nevan, and just hearing (or reading) their thoughts and feelings has helped.
The wedding last week turned out to be so nice. And it was great to see all of my girls again, I shouldn't have been dreading it. The whole week was actually a welcome distraction and I was too busy at times to always be grieving, which was actually very nice. During the week, the 4 month mark kind of blew by. Now that it's been 4 months, it's starting to feel like a long time has passed. Before I was thinking "it's only been 2 months, 3 months, 3.5 months...." I remember in the first weeks I couldn't imagine making it to 3 or 4 months out. I think now maybe I'm feeling pressure to be "feeling better" or "moving on" put on me from other people. Really, how can you go back to being the same person after your child has died? I do laugh and have fun sometimes, but I feel like a very changed version of myself, with a very heavy heart. I feel like I'm in a weird limbo: so far away from Nevan's birth and death, but also not pregnant, and so far away from becoming a mom.
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4 months was such a hard place. I'll say what I wish others had said to me.
ReplyDeleteIt has only been 4 months. Your heart was totally broken. Hearts don't mend quickly.
I'm sorry we're meeting under these circumstances. And I'm "glad" we've found each other, and all the other women and families we connect with on-line.
ReplyDeleteI agree with the above comment - it's only been 4 months. And not that I have a whole lot of time or experience beyond that. This weekend is the 9 month birth/death anniversary of my daughter.
I want to remind you that you ARE a mom, right now. Just not in the way any woman wants to be a mother.
But I get it too... The desire to be pregnant, and to have a living child. To be the mom I had planned on being.
I too feel like there are people that expect me to be "better", but I'm not. And I never will be who I was before my daughter was born and died. I have been forever changed, and what feels like in not such "good" ways sometimes. I keep coming back to that other than my daughter's death, the second hardest thing has been figuring out who I am. Slowly putting the pieces of me and my life back together again - in a new picture.
Take good care. Be gentle with yourself. And lots of love to you!
The "limbo" sucks. We were ready to be mothers months ago and it was taken from us. I'm hoping we both have some good news to share with each other soon.
ReplyDeleteYou have no idea how much it means to me that you think of me and my sweet Andrew. Your email about the anniversary of his death came at the perfect time. I was at a very low point and I heard the notification on my phone and got your email. I hate that losing our children has connected us, but I am so thankful that I have people like you to rely on.
Love,
Lindsey
i just passed seven months since my loss, and i can't believe it's been that long, and i can't believe it's not longer.
ReplyDeletecounselling has really helped me. you're right, you shouldn't have to compete to be heard. people should be watching out for who else wants to speak, not just whoever shouts first.
xx