This is the necklace I got (made Chris) get me for my birthday. It's a wee tiny heart with footprints on the front, and Nevan's name engraved on the back. There's also a rose quartz stone for healing of emotional pain. I wear the necklace every day.
I was at my sister's yesterday, swimming with my nephew and niece, who are 9 and 7. My nephew was looking at the necklace, and said: "there's little feet on your necklace", to which I replied: "yeah, it's to remember Nevan". Then he said "who's Nevan?" I said:" My baby that died".
Ouch. Kind of broke my heart all over again. My family is one of those that never talks about anything difficult, or taboo, or anything even remotely uncomfortable really. I knew that my sister told the kids something like they were not going to have a cousin right now, but later. She was then waiting for them to ask questions, which I guess they haven't. I think she also told them not to say anything to me cause I'd be sad. I didn't know she didn't even tell them that they had a cousin, her name was Nevan, and she died. I gave my sister a beautiful picture of Nevan, and she put it in her drawer "until the right time" I feel as time passes, it's just more awkward to bring things up to the kids. It really devastates me. I remember in the early days after she died, my mom and sister would call me every day, all upbeat and cheery, going on about news or gossip, trying to take my mind off things I guess. I have told them repeatedly that I'm always thinking of Nevan, nothing they could say would make me sadder, and it makes me very happy to hear Nevan's name mentioned. My mom said we all need to talk about things, and that she'd live on in our family. But none of this has happened or is happening. It's all just so frustrating. I guess my sis is just trying to protect her kids, but all of the grief books I've read say you've go to tell kids the truth, (but not give gory details) and let them ask questions. I guess I feel like my baby, my mom's granddaughter, my sister's niece is just being swept under the rug because it's all uncomfortable to talk about. Another huge loss in my already huge loss. Another thing that makes me feel more alone and isolated.

I spent this past month being very ambivalent about ttc. One moment I was like "it'll happen when it happens", and other moments panicking, obsessing, living and breathing trying to get pregnant. But not really. I wasn't taking my temperature or charting, just obsessively calculating when I might ovulate. My cycle has been a bit weird since Nevan's birth, but AF is coming any day. I know for sure, and the breakout on my chin is definite evidence.

When I got pregnant with Nevan, we had just got engaged. We went on a week vacation to Dominican Republic, and when we go home, I had a strong suspicion we might be pregnant. In the few days leading up to AF, I KNEW for sure I was. I even started reading pregnancy books while Chris was at work. I took a pregnancy test one day and it turned positive immediately. I was scared to tell Chris, so I waited a couple days till he was off. I told him, and took another test. Positive immediately again. We were surprised, but so happy. I just have a feeling that conceiving another baby will never be so easy and carefree again. We haven't been trying to prevent conception for a couple months, and nothing's happened. I know that's nothing in the world of ttc, but I really wonder if it will ever happen for us again. I wish I could just turn off my brain, and a period of time would pass, and I'd have a healthy baby in my arms. Life is not that simple I guess.

Sweet Nevan, I'll never forget you. You're in my heart and my thoughts always, and I will always be missing you.
Love mommy