Nevan,
I've been making a real effort to be positive lately. To think positively, to try and block out the negative, the hurt, the pain, to try and be happy for daddy. I even found some 'positive affitmations' online, and wrote them out and put them up around the house. I also found some affirmations for pregnancy and good outcomes. (Will save for later, when - hopefully - we'll be pregnant again). Anyways, I guess they help, at the time, but it's all still very hard. Today's 5 months since you were born. Again, 5 months sounds like such a long time, and sometimes feels that way, but most of the time it feels like a couple weeks ago. I guess that was a factor in this week being hard. I can say that I still feel completely lost. I haven't gone back to work yet, although I've done some freelance from home. I really need to start getting on the work train, my 'sick leave' will be done by the end of summer. I got a message today about a job, and kind of freaked out. I will call back tomorrow, because I know it's beyond time to go back, to get on with things, to go back out into the world and live life. I read somewhere recently that our babies would want us to lead a good life. So with that, I'll get myself together, and start living again, I guess?
I just read your first post and if you live in Canada, I'm pretty sure your daughter was brought to the hospital, the exact unit, where I work. If I hadn't been on bed rest at that point in my pregnancy and off work I might have been your baby's nurse.
ReplyDeletePlease know that it's a great hospital. If anything could have been done to save your baby they would have done it.
Also please let me know which hospital it was that you delivered at because I want to avoid the doctor who said that "if anything happens it's on you". That is the meanest, most awful thing anyone could say to a pregnant woman ever. Seriously. Ever.
Don't push yourself too hard. Go back when you are ready. Despite what everyone else thinks, there is no time limit on grief. 5 months is really not that long at all, and it is a lifetime. If you are ready, go for it. Anytime you need extra support we internets are always here. I hope the affimations help you.
ReplyDeleteYes, I went back after 3 months and I still wasn't ready. Some days it's still hard too, so there's definitely no timeline and I don't think there is an exact time for being "ready" to get back into the real world. Be patient and make sure you are good with where you are first. :) Happy 5 months to Nevan!
ReplyDeletefive months is a long time, but it's no time at all. at the same time.
ReplyDeletei hope you can face thinking about jobs soon and that your search goes well.
The job thing is hard. I know it was for me. After 9 weeks off, I went back part-time for a month, and then returned to full-time. I remember soon after my daughter died, my husband was talking to his parents, saying maybe I'd be back at work in 2-3 weeks...I thought I might too. But boy was that crazy talk! While I wasn't "ready" to go back (I don't know if I would have ever been ready...) I was glad I did it part-time for awhile so I could ease back into things. Now that I'm planning to leave my current job, I know I'm in a much different place because I am ready to work again, just at something more enjoyable.
ReplyDeleteTake care of yourself as you head back into the work world. We're all here for ya too!