Ugghh...just feeling blah lately. I'm so sick of all these ups and downs. Just when I'm feeling a bit normal or ok the bad days come again. I feel like I had a delayed reaction to the autopsy results and last week was bad. Chris was also away for a few days on a business trip, so the house was quiet and lonely. At over 3.5 months out I'm impatient with this grief and just want to feel some happiness and hope again. I'm so tired of the weight on my shoulders and hole in my chest.
My best friend is in town from New Zealand for her wedding. It's been hard trying to connect over email or skype about all this. I was actually really dreading seeing her but I did this weekend, and it was completely fine and we had some good chats. I went to her bridal shower, and felt a bit emotional (especially when a couple gals my age with kids there asked me if I had any....awkward). I did end up telling them about Nevan, it just kind of came out before I had a chance to think of anything else to say. I felt a bit wierd after like the "debbie downer" at the shower, but they were ok with it I guess. I have to admit, I'm really dreading seeing the other bridesmaids. They're coming in the day before the wedding, and it's the first I've seen any of them since Nevan. One has been super amazing and supportive, and I haven't heard much from the other. I just feel like I'm going to have to be "on" all weekend, which will be exhausting. I find it hard to be excited or happy about much these days, especially to fake it around others who will be super excited.
Nevan,
I miss you so much. I think of you every day and just wish you were here with us.
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I'm not sure what to say except for that you are loved and supported. I can't tell you that you don't need to feel like you have to be "on" because I feel the same way even though we probably shouldn't. I'm 6 months out and I feel like a stone. I'm in a place of complete numb-ness most days. The crazy deep sadness washes over me at least once a day, but for the most part, I'm just numb. Take care of yourself this weekend and let your friends love you up.
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