Monday, August 30, 2010

To my sweet girl,

Daddy and I got married on Saturday. We've been living as common law 'husband and wife' for the last 4 years, and I was always quite happy with that. In the months since you've been gone, it became important for us to make it official, which we did on the weekend. In the wake of losing you we have grown much closer and stronger as a couple. I am so lucky to have such an amazing man as your dad in my life. I know he would have taught you wonderful life lessons, and I would have hoped you'd grow up to be like him. Instead Nevan, you've taught us that life is indeed too short, and we should cherish every moment with the ones we love.

The ceremony itself was beautiful. Our minister is our next door neighbor, so it was very personal and we included you throughout the night. The ceremony started with the minister placing dad's eukelele, my shears and some of my dress fabric, and your photo and the quilt I made for you on a table to represent the 3 of us as a family. She talked about you a lot in the ceremony, which made me happy because it was the first time we've seen most of the people there since last christmas, when I was very pregnant with you. Your auntie Kelly made a beautiful speech which included you, and so did uncle Jay. There was also a slideshow of pics from our lives, which included my pregnancy with you, our hour together in the hospital, and your butterfly release. It was beautiful and touched my heart. It was so nice to have everyone talking freely about you, and we got many comments on how beautiful the night was.

It was a happy night for us, and I hope you were smiling down on us and could feel the immense love for you from our whole family. We miss you baby girl, but carry you with us in our hearts.
Love Mommy.

Sunday, August 15, 2010

6 months...


It's already been/it's only been 6 months. I don't have much to say, except I miss you. Life has been hard without you this week. I haven't cried as much as I did this week in a long long time. Everyday before and after work, sometimes on the subway on the way home. I must seem like a crazy lady to people. I guess it's true what I've heard other BLM's say, that the lead up is worse than the actual day. I'm sad, I'm hurting, and realizing this pain will never go away. It's dulled sometimes, by good days, good friends, family, and especially your dad, but I think I'll carry it with me forever. I'm really trying to live a good life and stay positive for you baby girl, but it was hard this week. Just know, I'm thinking of you, your're in my heart, and I love you.


Saturday, August 7, 2010

This week was much better for me emotionally. Maybe I just had to adjust back to life in the 'real world'. I admit that before I went back, I was living in a bit of a bubble. I was home most days, just doing what I felt like doing, walking the dog, reading blogs, sewing, laundry etc. I think it's good for me to be out of the house, around people and in a routine (that's what I've been told by other people anyways).
I didn't end up telling any of the women there about Nevan. I thought if it somehow came up in conversation I would, but nothing ever came up. And really, how do you casually mention you have a dead daughter? Awkward. Anyways, I was only working there for 2 weeks, on Monday I go back to a company I worked for before I got pregnant. So I think most people there know about Nevan. I keep in regular touch with my boss from there, and after it all happened, I asked her to spread the word around work so I wouldn't have to have awkward conversations if I saw old coworkers on the street. I'm wondering to myself if it's better if people know or not know?? I want people to know about my daughter, and not get all weird if she comes up in conversation. But I have to say in the the last 2 weeks, no one gave me pity looks. No one walked on eggshells. I don't think anyone noticed the first week when I was a bit sad and withdrawn. It was alright. I did feel like I was hiding a big secret. If I was staying on there I would have told them somehow. I'll be able to tell next week which is better: people knowing and the pity looks and eggshells, or people not knowing and being treated normally, but feeling like I'm hiding something HUGE.