I went back to work this week. I didn't go back to the job where I was pregnant with Nevan (that contract was over). I went to a new place I've never worked before, so no one knew my story. The work I do is contract, and usually split between 3 big companies in the city, so the industry itself is small. Everyone knows everyone. But no one seemed to know about Nevan (and if they did, they didn't mention). There's one girl who I worked with for my pregnancy, she's been sweet. I've been feeling like an emotional train wreck all week, crying before bed at night, fighting back tears on the subway, and even sometimes at work. I don't know what it is exactly....this big change in my life (it's been 6 months since I worked ... I finished my last job 2 weeks before my due date, and then Nevan was a week late), just being overtired - we have a big deadline and have been working long hours, or just thinking of what could have been's. Also maybe realizing that my dead baby has been the center of my universe for all these months, but the rest of the world keeps spinning by.
So this new job is alright. I'm working in a smaller studio with 4 other ladies. Today the conversation kept drifting towards sickness and death. I couldn't believe it when they started talking about birth and death. Mainly : "I have a friend who gave birth to her daughter, and then her mother died shortly after". Oh, me too. My friend's father died after she had her kid". Then they all talked about how horribly sad that was, how awful, heartbreaking. This was one of my fighting back tears moments, and I had to bit my tongue from saying : "Yes, that's sad, but giving birth to your first child and having her die in your arms less than 24 hours later is hard to live through. The sweet girl I worked with at the last job quickly changed the subject to happier things before I lost it. I have been thinking though... my grandma is real old: 94. Her health has been going downhill for a couple years, and her mind has just gone this past year. Both my sister and mom used to say while I was pregnant, that they thought she'd pass away around the time I gave birth. Life happens that way. Except in my case, we defied all odds, statistics, the 'natural order' and our baby died. Ugghhh... first few days back and already I can't wait for the weekend.
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Thinking of you & sending love and prayers your way! My first few days back were hard too, but now I feel like its good for me to be in the routine of work, helps me to focus on other areas of my life. Hope things get a bit easier with work soon & praying that you do not have to face any more grief or loss in the near future.
ReplyDeleteI'm about to go back to work for the first time in less than two weeks and I'm really hoping it goes well. Hope things get easier for you.
ReplyDeleteGoing back to work was hard. I went back almost a month to the day that Andrew died. My leave was up...I wasn't ready, but I had to go. I did get to go back to a job where all of my coworkers knew. However, I had to deal with the endless barrage of customers coming in. I could see it on their faces when they saw me...they lit up and came at me, the words already forming on their lips..."How's that baby??!!" I then had to destroy their day with our horrible news. I felt so much like I was betraying Andrew in some way, having to tell all of these people about his too-short life.
ReplyDeleteMy husband had to go back to a job where no one knew. He said it was so hard walking around with this all-encompassing pain and no one knew.
I'm proud of you for stepping back into the world without Nevan. Its a scary thing and its never easy, but I'm certain your baby girl is proud of her momma. Treat yourself this weekend...you certainly deserve it.