Back to work....

I went back to work this week. I didn't go back to the job where I was pregnant with Nevan (that contract was over). I went to a new place I've never worked before, so no one knew my story. The work I do is contract, and usually split between 3 big companies in the city, so the industry itself is small. Everyone knows everyone. But no one seemed to know about Nevan (and if they did, they didn't mention). There's one girl who I worked with for my pregnancy, she's been sweet. I've been feeling like an emotional train wreck all week, crying before bed at night, fighting back tears on the subway, and even sometimes at work. I don't know what it is exactly....this big change in my life (it's been 6 months since I worked ... I finished my last job 2 weeks before my due date, and then Nevan was a week late), just being overtired - we have a big deadline and have been working long hours, or just thinking of what could have been's. Also maybe realizing that my dead baby has been the center of my universe for all these months, but the rest of the world keeps spinning by.
So this new job is alright. I'm working in a smaller studio with 4 other ladies. Today the conversation kept drifting towards sickness and death. I couldn't believe it when they started talking about birth and death. Mainly : "I have a friend who gave birth to her daughter, and then her mother died shortly after". Oh, me too. My friend's father died after she had her kid". Then they all talked about how horribly sad that was, how awful, heartbreaking. This was one of my fighting back tears moments, and I had to bit my tongue from saying : "Yes, that's sad, but giving birth to your first child and having her die in your arms less than 24 hours later is hard to live through. The sweet girl I worked with at the last job quickly changed the subject to happier things before I lost it. I have been thinking though... my grandma is real old: 94. Her health has been going downhill for a couple years, and her mind has just gone this past year. Both my sister and mom used to say while I was pregnant, that they thought she'd pass away around the time I gave birth. Life happens that way. Except in my case, we defied all odds, statistics, the 'natural order' and our baby died. Ugghhh... first few days back and already I can't wait for the weekend.

I need to take back my rant from a couple posts ago. I had a big talk with my sis yesterday, and as it turns out, she's talked to the kids about Nevan, and shown them her picture. She told me I can talk with them, explain things, whatever I feel. I guess my nephew was just being a 9 year old little dude. Either the conversation was over his head, or he was uncomfortable. Just another case of me making something bigger in my head than it really was, and stewing over it. (Yep, I do that a lot) I think if I want Nevan remembered, mentioned etc. I have to be the one to set the example, mention her name, talk about her, and then it will be less awkward with my awkward family. Ahhh.

On a positive note, Chris and I went out for a great date tonight. It was his bday, so we went for sushi and beer, then had ice cream at the beach. It was a fun night. It really felt like old times, where we would go out all the time for dates and dinner and fun. I ate lots of raw fish, and drank beer, and thought to myself, I don't think I'd be doing this if I had a 5 month old. (?????). So a bit bittersweet, but aren't most things these days? We're going camping for the rest of the week, so it'll be good to get away, get out of the city, and relax for a bit.

Nevan,
I've been making a real effort to be positive lately. To think positively, to try and block out the negative, the hurt, the pain, to try and be happy for daddy. I even found some 'positive affitmations' online, and wrote them out and put them up around the house. I also found some affirmations for pregnancy and good outcomes. (Will save for later, when - hopefully - we'll be pregnant again). Anyways, I guess they help, at the time, but it's all still very hard. Today's 5 months since you were born. Again, 5 months sounds like such a long time, and sometimes feels that way, but most of the time it feels like a couple weeks ago. I guess that was a factor in this week being hard. I can say that I still feel completely lost. I haven't gone back to work yet, although I've done some freelance from home. I really need to start getting on the work train, my 'sick leave' will be done by the end of summer. I got a message today about a job, and kind of freaked out. I will call back tomorrow, because I know it's beyond time to go back, to get on with things, to go back out into the world and live life. I read somewhere recently that our babies would want us to lead a good life. So with that, I'll get myself together, and start living again, I guess?

This is the necklace I got (made Chris) get me for my birthday. It's a wee tiny heart with footprints on the front, and Nevan's name engraved on the back. There's also a rose quartz stone for healing of emotional pain. I wear the necklace every day.
I was at my sister's yesterday, swimming with my nephew and niece, who are 9 and 7. My nephew was looking at the necklace, and said: "there's little feet on your necklace", to which I replied: "yeah, it's to remember Nevan". Then he said "who's Nevan?" I said:" My baby that died".
Ouch. Kind of broke my heart all over again. My family is one of those that never talks about anything difficult, or taboo, or anything even remotely uncomfortable really. I knew that my sister told the kids something like they were not going to have a cousin right now, but later. She was then waiting for them to ask questions, which I guess they haven't. I think she also told them not to say anything to me cause I'd be sad. I didn't know she didn't even tell them that they had a cousin, her name was Nevan, and she died. I gave my sister a beautiful picture of Nevan, and she put it in her drawer "until the right time" I feel as time passes, it's just more awkward to bring things up to the kids. It really devastates me. I remember in the early days after she died, my mom and sister would call me every day, all upbeat and cheery, going on about news or gossip, trying to take my mind off things I guess. I have told them repeatedly that I'm always thinking of Nevan, nothing they could say would make me sadder, and it makes me very happy to hear Nevan's name mentioned. My mom said we all need to talk about things, and that she'd live on in our family. But none of this has happened or is happening. It's all just so frustrating. I guess my sis is just trying to protect her kids, but all of the grief books I've read say you've go to tell kids the truth, (but not give gory details) and let them ask questions. I guess I feel like my baby, my mom's granddaughter, my sister's niece is just being swept under the rug because it's all uncomfortable to talk about. Another huge loss in my already huge loss. Another thing that makes me feel more alone and isolated.

I spent this past month being very ambivalent about ttc. One moment I was like "it'll happen when it happens", and other moments panicking, obsessing, living and breathing trying to get pregnant. But not really. I wasn't taking my temperature or charting, just obsessively calculating when I might ovulate. My cycle has been a bit weird since Nevan's birth, but AF is coming any day. I know for sure, and the breakout on my chin is definite evidence.

When I got pregnant with Nevan, we had just got engaged. We went on a week vacation to Dominican Republic, and when we go home, I had a strong suspicion we might be pregnant. In the few days leading up to AF, I KNEW for sure I was. I even started reading pregnancy books while Chris was at work. I took a pregnancy test one day and it turned positive immediately. I was scared to tell Chris, so I waited a couple days till he was off. I told him, and took another test. Positive immediately again. We were surprised, but so happy. I just have a feeling that conceiving another baby will never be so easy and carefree again. We haven't been trying to prevent conception for a couple months, and nothing's happened. I know that's nothing in the world of ttc, but I really wonder if it will ever happen for us again. I wish I could just turn off my brain, and a period of time would pass, and I'd have a healthy baby in my arms. Life is not that simple I guess.

Sweet Nevan, I'll never forget you. You're in my heart and my thoughts always, and I will always be missing you.
Love mommy

same ole..

Things have been rough this past week. Maybe I'm on a low after all of the wedding distraction.
Chris's cousin had her twin girls. Over a month early, but they're fine. I just don't understand how some people can have twins, triplets, or 19 kids and counting, and my one was taken from me. (I don't wish anyone's child would die or anything, I just wish mine didn't). We saw his whole family the day after the twins were born, and no one told me. I found out about a week after they were born. (Just before I got the birth announcement in my email). Talk about kick me when I'm down. I just hate the fact that most people in my life now walk on eggshells around me. It definitely doesn't help.
Some friends of ours that we see at least once a week are about 16 wks pregnant. I was pretty ok with it (just a small kick in the gut when looking at ultrasound pics, hearing other people gush about the baby etc..) but now that she's starting to show and rub her belly all the time, I'm starting to have a really hard time with it.
Well, this ended up being a big pity party post, and on the day when I've decided I need to make an effort to think more positively. I guess I can start tomorrow...

Sweet Nevan,
I looked through your memory box today and all your pictures. You had the cutest little hands and feet. They were exactly the same as Daddy's. Actually, you looked like his 'mini-me'. I think of you all the time and hope you can feel my love.
Mommy