Friday, December 31, 2010

2010 over.....thankfully

I'll be glad to see 2010 go. Bring on 2011, especially April, and please please please let it be better than 2010.

It started out ok, with lots of hope, expectation and excitement with the approaching birth of our first child. And even when she was born, we had the tears of joy moment, and "it's a girl" happy surprise. About an hour later in the recovery room, we found out the news that everything would not be ok, and our world was about to be shattered. Since then it's been 10 long months of grief, shock, guilt, blame, sadness, jealousy, bitterness, longing, loneliness, mixed in with a bit of happiness, gratefulness, and hope. I never thought I could cry so many tears, miss someone I never really knew so much, and just feel so full of despair. After the initial shock wore off, I never would have thought I had the strength to live through the loss of Nevan, but here I am, quickly approaching the one year mark, and still standing.

If I can think about the good things to come out of 2010, C and I got married. The death of our daughter has brought us closer together, which I'm thankful for, and I'm extremely grateful to be with an amazing man like him. Also, I'm extremely grateful that I got pregnant with Nevan's little brother. It's been quite a ride so far, full of both anxiety and hope, and I'm praying he stays safe and well, and gets here in April.

So goodbye 2010! I will move forward, carrying Nevan with me in my heart, hopefully towards a brighter and better 2011.


  1. I couldn't agree glad to leave this year behind and hope so much that 2011 is a better year for us all!

  2. Another one who is glad to leave 2011 behind. We lost our eldest daughter at the end of 2009 but most of my grieving has been done in 2010, I think I was still in shock until this time last year. I am hoping that 2011 brings a year of peace and joy for your family and for those of all angel mummies and daddies.

  3. Rachel, I just came across your blog via Glow; and it really resonated with me. I do hope you are doing well as well as your little guy and husband. Nevan *truly* is such a beautiful baby girl, I am so sorry she was taken from you in such a way... I hope you are able to have lots of peace. Sending you love.