The guilt keeps coming back. Particularly when I'm having a bad day. I feel so guilty and so angry at myself for not having that induction on Feb. 12th. In the early days, every Friday was a reminder of the 'what if's'. Maybe she would have lived and been perfectly healthy. But maybe, if I'd been induced it would have been worse because the synthetic contractions would have been stronger than natural ones? I just remembered one detail of my labor the other day. At the same time I got the epidural, the doctors also gave me Pitocin to strengthen my contractions. The nurse in the room was over in the corner doing paperwork, not paying attention to the baby's monitors or to me. Why wasn't she watching or paying attention? Why was it Chris who noticed that the baby's heart rate was not normal? When all the doctors rushed in and they were poking at my belly, I remember one saying that I was having continuous contractions. Did this cause Nevan's oxygen deprivation? Or did it have something to do with the epidural?
When I go back over the fine details and think logically, I know her death was not my fault. We were in the hospital, and the doctors and midwives were constantly monitoring the baby and she was fine. I think that on that Friday, if the doctor was concerned about the baby's well being, she would have told me the risks of not being induced, which she never did. If I had thought there were any risks to the baby, of course I would have had an induction. Hell, I would have had a c-section on the spot if there was any hint of distress.
I guess questioning my decision is natural and inevitable, but it is extremely toxic to my well being. On most days I know I can't turn back time or change the outcome in any way, and there's no sense wondering 'what if'? But the guilt still comes creeping back sometimes.
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guilt is, horribly, entirely natural after losing a baby. it's not your fault, i promise, but i know that hearing that doesn't help. you did your absolute best to look after Nevan and it's not fair that she's not here with you safe and well.
ReplyDeletewill you be able to ask the doctors or other medical staff about what went wrong? it might help in the long run to know that you couldn't possibly have done anything different.
xx
I am so sorry. Unfortunately, B is right, the guilt is normal. I am always asking myself, what if I did not listen to the Dr and stay on bedrest, they would have taken him early and he might not have died. I read somewhere that one of the blessings of being a human is the eternal optimism of "what if" - for we always think that the outcome could have been better, never worse.
ReplyDeleteThanks for the comments.
ReplyDeleteB - we're going over the autopsy with the dr's may 19th. but we've been warned we'll probably never find out exactly when the oxygen was cut off.
Erin, it's true. you only think the outcome would have been better. I'm going to keep your comment in mind.
I am so, so sorry about your loss. It is so hard not to feel guilt and wonder about the what ifs. Nothing can change the past. This is my big hurdle right now. I feel for you. Please know that you did all you could do. I try to remind myself of this everyday. It isn't much, but it does help.
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