I went to my first baby shower on Sunday (the first since my own with Nevan). It was actually not too bad. It was co-ed, so it wasn't really a typical girly shower with all that gushing and ooh-ing and ahh-ing. It was for my husband's business partner and wife, who we've become pretty close to in the last 6 months. And while they don't get our grief at all, they have been pretty cool with us, and treated us like we were normal people. It was really hard for me to hear about her pregnancy (which they told us about at 5 wks) just 2 months after Nevan died. I told her my whole birth story, and she has brought up Nevan lots, which is nice. I have found myself feeling shocked at the way they talk, like just because they're pregnant means a live baby will be coming home with them. I think I'm jealous I'll never have that innocence again. She asked me to go to the hospital when she gives birth, and at first, I thought she meant just to visit. But I think she means for the birth, which I don't think I can do.
And speaking of people treating us 'normally' or not, there's another baby shower this weekend for the cousin who showed up 6 months pregnant at our wedding, without telling us. Needless to say, I'm not going!! Luckily, we had plans already, so I don't even have to make up an excuse! Whatever works, right?
Lately, I'm feeling like I'm being pulled in 2 directions. I'm really trying to think positively and look towards the future and this new baby. I find my mind thinking of Nevan, my pregnancy with her, my birth, our hospital experience, everything to do with her. I still often cry, and I think Chris just wants me to look forward. In fact, he has said he's sometimes worried about my emotions and their impact on this baby. I feel like I need to go through this grief now, and that I'm doing really well considering. I think I have to just go through it all to ever move forward. Never forgetting.
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I hear ya! I wish I could sit back and enjoy this pregnancy - but I can't. And to me - I think it's more powerful and healing to be honest about how I'm feeling now, rather than pretend I'm OK, or try to be different. These feelings are gonna come out sometime - so it might as well be now. I sincerely hope all the work I'm doing now to grieve Acacia and celebrate this pregnancy as much as possible - I hope it "pays off" later in that I'm an even better mom for this baby.
ReplyDeleteI think we're all doing the best we can - for ourselves, our family and our babies.
And good for you for not going to your cousin's shower. Doesn't sound like you need to be there, and you have other plans! :) And glad to hear the baby shower wasn't too bad. I haven't been to a baby shower yet, or invited to any. Not sure if a few of our friends didn't have one, or if we just weren't invited. Pretty sure I don't want to know if we weren't invited because that would also hurt.
Wish I make this all better for all of us. I seemed to have lost my magic wand (that I never really had). Shucks.
Hang in there. Much love to you.
I (respectfully) disagree with your husband's notion that he's worried how your emotions are affecting the new baby. No offence...but for millions of years women have been pregnant during wars, famines, earthquakes, deaths, immigrations etc. Being sad or worried is not going to affect the new baby. I'm a big believer in feeling what you feel until you don't feel it anymore. Forcing yourself to feel 'cheerful'! or 'excited'! is only going to make you feel more alienated.
ReplyDeleteIf I'm ever able to get pregnant again, I'll be feeling exactly the way you do.
Good luck to you. And congratulations on attending the baby shower.
You have such strength. A baby shower would be so hard! I agree with Emily. Emotions happen whether we want them to or not. Sending much love and strength to you as you carry your precious babe!
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