Heavy

I came home from our support group last night feeling very heavy, sad, depressed and a bit stressed. Maybe that's all a hint I should stop going?! I haven't gone in a while because if I've felt good that day I've wanted to hang onto that feeling for as long as it lasted - because the downs still come quite often. I guess I went last night because it's been awhile, and I needed to talk about Nevan. I'm not very outspoken and it just felt like everyone was competing for "air time". Seriously, there were some big talkers. Maybe I should go to a counsellor for guaranteed talk time. I do find what's helped me the most is reading other people's blogs and experiences. I've found some others who've had almost the same experience I did with Nevan, and just hearing (or reading) their thoughts and feelings has helped.

The wedding last week turned out to be so nice. And it was great to see all of my girls again, I shouldn't have been dreading it. The whole week was actually a welcome distraction and I was too busy at times to always be grieving, which was actually very nice. During the week, the 4 month mark kind of blew by. Now that it's been 4 months, it's starting to feel like a long time has passed. Before I was thinking "it's only been 2 months, 3 months, 3.5 months...." I remember in the first weeks I couldn't imagine making it to 3 or 4 months out. I think now maybe I'm feeling pressure to be "feeling better" or "moving on" put on me from other people. Really, how can you go back to being the same person after your child has died? I do laugh and have fun sometimes, but I feel like a very changed version of myself, with a very heavy heart. I feel like I'm in a weird limbo: so far away from Nevan's birth and death, but also not pregnant, and so far away from becoming a mom.

butterflies...

I held a baby on Friday night. The first since Nevan. We were going to friends for dinner, and I was a bit nervous all day. They lost a baby last year, so it was different in a way, I wasn't dreading it like I would have been if they hadn't (that sounds horrible, doesn't it?). The mom knew how I was feeling, and it was nice to hold their little 8 week old girl. Chris held her for a long time too. It didn't upset me at all really. It was nice. Hopefully we'll have our own baby to hold next year.

Our support group puts on a butterfly release picnic every year, and we went yesterday to release a butterfly for Nevan. It was a nice event, but I was surprised at how many people were there (I'd say between 100-200). So it felt a bit less lonely, to see that many people in real life in our area who'd lost babies. There were also lots of new babies and some pregnant ladies around, which gave me hope to see. It does happen. People have babies after loss. I really needed to see it and feel some hope after a pretty rough week.

I need air..

Ugghh...just feeling blah lately. I'm so sick of all these ups and downs. Just when I'm feeling a bit normal or ok the bad days come again. I feel like I had a delayed reaction to the autopsy results and last week was bad. Chris was also away for a few days on a business trip, so the house was quiet and lonely. At over 3.5 months out I'm impatient with this grief and just want to feel some happiness and hope again. I'm so tired of the weight on my shoulders and hole in my chest.

My best friend is in town from New Zealand for her wedding. It's been hard trying to connect over email or skype about all this. I was actually really dreading seeing her but I did this weekend, and it was completely fine and we had some good chats. I went to her bridal shower, and felt a bit emotional (especially when a couple gals my age with kids there asked me if I had any....awkward). I did end up telling them about Nevan, it just kind of came out before I had a chance to think of anything else to say. I felt a bit wierd after like the "debbie downer" at the shower, but they were ok with it I guess. I have to admit, I'm really dreading seeing the other bridesmaids. They're coming in the day before the wedding, and it's the first I've seen any of them since Nevan. One has been super amazing and supportive, and I haven't heard much from the other. I just feel like I'm going to have to be "on" all weekend, which will be exhausting. I find it hard to be excited or happy about much these days, especially to fake it around others who will be super excited.

Nevan,
I miss you so much. I think of you every day and just wish you were here with us.