May

I've been dreading May since we lost Nevan. 3 dates rolled into one month. First Mother's Day, which actually wasn't as bad as I was expecting. Then the 3 month anniversary, which is on the same day as Chris's cousin's baby shower (which I'm not going to). And the worst one for me, and the one I can't wait to get over with: the autopsy report. I have to call tomorrow to make sure it will actually be in, but whenever I think of our appointment date May 19th, I'm filled with dread. We've been warned more than once that the report probably won't tell us anything we don't already know, but of course, there are all the 'what-if's' in my mind. This date seemed so far away back in February, but now it's here and the time has kind of flown by. On the other hand it seems like 3 years has passed, and I'm here but the world is whizzing by. I don't know how to explain it. Most of the time I've felt like a zombie living on autopilot, and I look back and wonder what I've done for the last few months?

In the past week or two, I've felt a bit more hopeful or a bit more like myself??? Starting around Christmas time, most of the couples we know were starting to try to get pregnant. So it's now a season later, and we're beginning to hear pregnancy announcements. Which is great for them, but knocks the wind outta me at first. All these happy newly pregnant friends with no cares in the world as to how it will all turn out. And for all of them I'm sure, they will get a healthy screaming baby at the end of their pregnancies. And although I would never wish my fate on anyone, it's just so wrong and unfair that our lives took this horrible turn.

I want to have hope for the future, and long to be pregnant again sometime soon. Right now at almost 3 months out, it all seems too soon. I'm terrified of never being able to get pregnant again. I'm terrified of having a miscarriage or any of the other things that I now know can go wrong. I'm terrified that the doctors damaged my uterus while performing the c-section. I want all this fear to just go away, and I also want my body to heal a bit more; it was a tough recovery for me.

So I guess whatever the results of the autopsy turn out to be, I hope to have hope again. Hope to begin moving forward. To try to ignore my fears. To one day give Nevan a wee brother or sister. Hope is the only thing that will get me through this.