9 mos

Sweet Nevan,

You were born 9 months ago today. You died in my arms 9 months ago tomorrow. We've now been grieving you longer than I carried you in my body. At times I still can't believe this happened to us. I've known 2 babies born in the past year - both very premature, one born with his stomach outside his body - both are alive and thriving now. You were my healthy full term baby, but didn't make it due to some random accident in labour. I just don't understand it all.
I went back to work at the ballet today. I haven't been there since I left for maternity leave with you. I was lucky enough to get contracts with other companies in the city until now, so I'm back there. It's a very wierd deja-vu working there again, I'll be there roughly the same length of time I was with you until I go on maternity leave again. And I'll be going through another pregnancy with the same people I did last time. I'm hoping and praying the outcome is different this time.
I still miss you and ache for you every day my sweet girl. I so wish you were here with us right now. I love you.

A first

I went to my first baby shower on Sunday (the first since my own with Nevan). It was actually not too bad. It was co-ed, so it wasn't really a typical girly shower with all that gushing and ooh-ing and ahh-ing. It was for my husband's business partner and wife, who we've become pretty close to in the last 6 months. And while they don't get our grief at all, they have been pretty cool with us, and treated us like we were normal people. It was really hard for me to hear about her pregnancy (which they told us about at 5 wks) just 2 months after Nevan died. I told her my whole birth story, and she has brought up Nevan lots, which is nice. I have found myself feeling shocked at the way they talk, like just because they're pregnant means a live baby will be coming home with them. I think I'm jealous I'll never have that innocence again. She asked me to go to the hospital when she gives birth, and at first, I thought she meant just to visit. But I think she means for the birth, which I don't think I can do.
And speaking of people treating us 'normally' or not, there's another baby shower this weekend for the cousin who showed up 6 months pregnant at our wedding, without telling us. Needless to say, I'm not going!! Luckily, we had plans already, so I don't even have to make up an excuse! Whatever works, right?
Lately, I'm feeling like I'm being pulled in 2 directions. I'm really trying to think positively and look towards the future and this new baby. I find my mind thinking of Nevan, my pregnancy with her, my birth, our hospital experience, everything to do with her. I still often cry, and I think Chris just wants me to look forward. In fact, he has said he's sometimes worried about my emotions and their impact on this baby. I feel like I need to go through this grief now, and that I'm doing really well considering. I think I have to just go through it all to ever move forward. Never forgetting.