I've been putting this off for weeks now. Partly because I was afraid of "jinxing" myself, partly because I know it's hard to hear. I'm pregnant again, just over 14 wks. I see lots of blm's announcing right away, but I thought "that's so early, I'll wait till 9wks". Then, I thought I'd better wait till 12, just in case. Then, might as well wait till I get into the 2nd trimester. So here I am, and while I know it doesn't mean everything will be fine, I'm glad to have made it to this milestone. I'm going to the OB who did my c-section with Nevan, and so far he's been amazing. We went to the appt in his high-risk clinic, but he wants us to go to his low-risk so that I "can have as normal a pregnancy as possible". haha! I wish I could delete all the info I've learned about babyloss in the past 8 months, and then we'd see! Anyways, he's doing a c-section at 38 weeks, and will be doing lots more monitoring towards the end.
I'm not sure the pregnancy feels totally real yet. Even though we've seen the baby on ultrasound and I'm sporting a mean bump. I'm trying to stay really positive, but it feels like there's such a long way to go until April. Chris and I went out and bought an outfit for the baby that I've hung up where I can see it everyday, and picture the baby coming home.
I've had 2 dreams about this baby, in both he/she's living and growing. In one Nevan was there at the beginning, my sister was handing her to me and she was so big, like 2 years old. Then she was gone but the new baby was in my arms. I haven't had any dreams of Nevan, except right after she died, I'd have stress dreams I pushed harder in labour and she came out faster and we saved her. In this new dream I could actually see what she'd look like at 2 (I think anyway). I've been waiting to have a dream about her, I always hear of people who dream of their babies, but it took me a long time. Chris thinks it means she's watching over her little brother or sister, and I love that idea.
All in all, this pregnancy hasn't changed my grief. I think time is making daily life easier, but I'm still sad, I still miss Nevan soo much. I always think of her when we're out and see babies, especially bigger babies now. I still have triggers and still cry often. I haven't told hardly anyone in real life, except our immediate families and a few friends. I'm really dreading the happy reactions, and the expectations that I should be over my grief now. Sigh... anyways, I am extremely happy to be pregnant again and know we're very lucky. Just trying to take one day at a time and keep thinking good thoughts.
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Congratulations!
ReplyDeleteStill abiding.
That is wonderful. I wish you the best of luck and look forward to future inspiration. We all have something in common. We all want rainbow babies and we have lost all innocence. Hearing about other people trying to conceive or being pregnant gives me a ray hope.
ReplyDeleteSO excited for you guys! Keeping you all in my prayers and will hopefully be posting my own good news in the months to come! Sending you big hugs and much love!
ReplyDeleteCongratulations!
ReplyDeleteI just found your blog and your story is so similar to mine. My daughter Stella died from brain injuried because of lack of pxygen during delivery, born 2/13/10 and died 2/25/10. And I'm pregnant again as well.
It's a roller coaster but it has helped me to stay positive and focused on the future and I hope you find it does the same for you. I look forward to following your progress.
CONGRATS!!! I know celebrating a subsquent pregnancy after a loss can be a hard thing to do sometimes, and it really is wonderful for me to read your pregnancy news.
ReplyDeleteAnd contrary to what some people would like to believe, being pregnant again and (hopefully) having a living child doesn't erase the pain and loss of a previous child. For me, my pregnancy now comes with its own challenges, and parts of grief and loss. I fear that people will forget about Acacia more, and expect this next baby to help me "forget" (or something strange like that).
Not too many people know yet about our pregnancy in real life (family and a few close friends) and even with those people, I often want to scream, "this is my SECOND child!" My SIL made an innocent comment the other week as I laid on the couch at her house while waiting for dinner because I was so tired. She told me she remembered how tired she was with her daughter's pregnancy (my niece is 2 1/2 yrs old now). I nodded in agreement and also thought - and yes, I know what fatigue is like during pregnancy because I've done this before.
Such a mix of emotions for me - love, hope, sadness, fear, anger, joy... hard to contain it all!
Lots of love to you!