To my sweet girl:

Happy first birthday. It's been a whole year since our lives were changed forever. I've had an emotional week, but today was not so bad. Daddy and I took some balloons (and Angus) down to the beach. It was a beautiful sunny day with not a cloud in the sky, and not that cold either! Daddy said some beautiful words, then we released the balloons and watched them as they rose higher and higher into the sky. Because there were no clouds, I think we could see them for a good 10 mins or so, until they were a tiny pin drop in the sky. It was a really nice little ceremony, just our family.

On the weekend we went to Nana's. She surprised me with a beautiful memory book she made for you. It's absolutely amazing and full of happy and sad memories. There are pics from my pregnancy with you, my baby shower, and then the hospital pics of you and the ones of you, daddy and me as a family. It really means a lot to me to have a book for you. She also surprised me by showing me her new tattoo! She told me a while ago that she was thinking of getting one, but I was still shocked! It's delicate and beautiful, your name with a tiny broken heart.

We've received some nice messages today from your auntie's L, K and T, and got some nice flowers from auntie C. It's nice to hear that people are thinking of you today.

I hope you know I think of you everyday, and will miss and love you forever.

Love mommy

Life has been crazy lately. With the move and everything, settling in etc. My commute to work's now over 3 hours a day, which is exhausting. I feel I don't have the time to do anything when I get home, except eat and go to bed. The plus of this is that I haven't been stressing over this baby/pregnancy much lately, too exhausting! I must say, that's nice for a change. The other side of this is that because I'm overtired, I've been super emotional all week about Nevan's upcoming anniversary this week. Actually, I'm probably just super emotional because she should be one this week instead of dead. I've decided I just want to be with Chris on her birthday. I think we'll release some balloons at the beach we went to a lot after she died, where I saw the beautiful monarch butterfly (in February in Canada in snow!). I have a few days off work as well, and plan to just rest, be gentle on myself, and catch up on blogs. 5 weeks left of work, but 2 of those are short, so really only 3. It's not like I'm counting or anything:)

changes.......

The next few months will be bringing about lots of changes in our lives. We're moving this weekend, out of the city. I'm excited, but generally a bit stressed about the move. Can't wait till it's done! Chris is changing jobs in a few weeks. He'll be working 9-5 hours now, which is amazing, because for our whole relationship we've worked opposite shifts. So I'm also very excited about his new job. Finally, in April, we'll (hopefully) be bringing home Nevan's little brother. This week I'm feeling very hopeful, but I still have almost 12 wks to go until our planned c-section at 38.5 wks. Trying to stay calm, but there's always something to worry about in the back of my mind.

The other thing that's been on my mind constantly lately is that in about a month, it will be Nevan's one year anniversary dates. Born on the 15th of February, died on the 16th. I have no idea what to do to mark the dates, it all seems very overwhelming. I do know I want to make a memory book with photos from my pregnancy, showers, and our pics of her at the hospital. I've been wanting to do this all year, so I figure it would be nice to do it in time for her one year. Other than that, I'm lost as what to do, but maybe after the move I can figure something out.

2010 over.....thankfully

I'll be glad to see 2010 go. Bring on 2011, especially April, and please please please let it be better than 2010.

It started out ok, with lots of hope, expectation and excitement with the approaching birth of our first child. And even when she was born, we had the tears of joy moment, and "it's a girl" happy surprise. About an hour later in the recovery room, we found out the news that everything would not be ok, and our world was about to be shattered. Since then it's been 10 long months of grief, shock, guilt, blame, sadness, jealousy, bitterness, longing, loneliness, mixed in with a bit of happiness, gratefulness, and hope. I never thought I could cry so many tears, miss someone I never really knew so much, and just feel so full of despair. After the initial shock wore off, I never would have thought I had the strength to live through the loss of Nevan, but here I am, quickly approaching the one year mark, and still standing.

If I can think about the good things to come out of 2010, C and I got married. The death of our daughter has brought us closer together, which I'm thankful for, and I'm extremely grateful to be with an amazing man like him. Also, I'm extremely grateful that I got pregnant with Nevan's little brother. It's been quite a ride so far, full of both anxiety and hope, and I'm praying he stays safe and well, and gets here in April.

So goodbye 2010! I will move forward, carrying Nevan with me in my heart, hopefully towards a brighter and better 2011.

done!

I'm glad xmas is over! Actually, I can't wait for this time next week, when 2010 will be done too. I didn't expect to have a hard time with yesterday, seeing as C and I were not doing xmas at all. We had planned to just stay home the 2 of us, make some food and relax and watch movies all day. We did end up doing that, and it was good. I had one huge melt down in the evening, but other than that was ok.
This week has been an emotional one for me anyways. Our friends had their baby on the 23rd. We weren't really close to these people when we had Nevan, but in the months since, we've become close. I've had a couple chats with the girl about Nevan, and they've treated us like normal people, which has been nice. Anyway, I've still been dreading their baby's birth since we found out she was pregnant. C called me on the night of the 22nd to tell me she was in labor and he'd be bringing their dogs over. I had a huge breakdown, and cried more than I have in a long, long time. I guess it brought back major flashbacks and memories to my labor with Nevan. I was really stressed out all day at work the next day, not sure if it was selfishly about me, or worried that her labor was taking so long. Anyways, their son was born healthy and fine on the night of the 23rd. We went up to see him on the 24th. I was feeling really stressed about meeting him, and just wanted to get it out of the way. I almost lost it as we got out of the elevator on the maternity ward. All I could hear was crying newborns, and then so many happy people in the waiting room it was rough. I held it together, and meeting the new baby was actually ok. He's very sweet and I held him for a while. I was glad to get it out of the way.
I'm now 23 wks along with Nevan's little brother. The pregnancy feels like it's taking forever, and I swing back and forth between hopeful and majorly stressed. I started having braxton hicks contractions at 20wks, which really freaked me out. The night before an OB appt last week, I was having so many, which of course caused major stress. I had a complete breakdown in my appt, and my OB was very kind, gave me 2 ultrasounds, one to check the baby and one to check my cervix. Both are fine. Apparently it's very normal to have the bh contractions this early in a 2nd pregnancy. He said if I ever needed reassurance, just go to the hospital and they would check me. So that's a bit of a relief I guess. I'm really trying to stay hopeful and positive, but it's hard. April can't come fast enough.

holidays.....

I just took the dog for a nice walk in the snow. I really love walking at night in the snow, especially now, it reminds me of the first night I was in labor with Nevan. It was such a beautiful calm and quiet night, with big snowflakes falling. I made Chris walk forever around the neighborhood, hoping it would make the contractions stronger!

Soon after Nevan died, I started to dread the holidays, even though they were almost a year away. I told Chris we were going away for sure this Christmas. Unfortunately, it's not really in the budget this year for us to pick up and leave and go somewhere far away, preferably where they don't celebrate Christmas! I have told our families we're not doing Christmas this year. We'll visit them sometime in December, but from the 24th-26th, I'm avoiding everything. I figure I've already faked happy through Easter, Thanksgiving, and numerous birthdays, so I'm not doing it during the holidays. It's a huge weight off my chest, and I'm actually looking forward to just staying home, hanging with the husb and Angus (the dog) and maybe doing something anti-celebratory, like going to a movie or something. We'll be thinking of our girl too, and as always, wishing things had turned out differently.

9 mos

Sweet Nevan,

You were born 9 months ago today. You died in my arms 9 months ago tomorrow. We've now been grieving you longer than I carried you in my body. At times I still can't believe this happened to us. I've known 2 babies born in the past year - both very premature, one born with his stomach outside his body - both are alive and thriving now. You were my healthy full term baby, but didn't make it due to some random accident in labour. I just don't understand it all.
I went back to work at the ballet today. I haven't been there since I left for maternity leave with you. I was lucky enough to get contracts with other companies in the city until now, so I'm back there. It's a very wierd deja-vu working there again, I'll be there roughly the same length of time I was with you until I go on maternity leave again. And I'll be going through another pregnancy with the same people I did last time. I'm hoping and praying the outcome is different this time.
I still miss you and ache for you every day my sweet girl. I so wish you were here with us right now. I love you.