9 mos

Sweet Nevan,

You were born 9 months ago today. You died in my arms 9 months ago tomorrow. We've now been grieving you longer than I carried you in my body. At times I still can't believe this happened to us. I've known 2 babies born in the past year - both very premature, one born with his stomach outside his body - both are alive and thriving now. You were my healthy full term baby, but didn't make it due to some random accident in labour. I just don't understand it all.
I went back to work at the ballet today. I haven't been there since I left for maternity leave with you. I was lucky enough to get contracts with other companies in the city until now, so I'm back there. It's a very wierd deja-vu working there again, I'll be there roughly the same length of time I was with you until I go on maternity leave again. And I'll be going through another pregnancy with the same people I did last time. I'm hoping and praying the outcome is different this time.
I still miss you and ache for you every day my sweet girl. I so wish you were here with us right now. I love you.

A first

I went to my first baby shower on Sunday (the first since my own with Nevan). It was actually not too bad. It was co-ed, so it wasn't really a typical girly shower with all that gushing and ooh-ing and ahh-ing. It was for my husband's business partner and wife, who we've become pretty close to in the last 6 months. And while they don't get our grief at all, they have been pretty cool with us, and treated us like we were normal people. It was really hard for me to hear about her pregnancy (which they told us about at 5 wks) just 2 months after Nevan died. I told her my whole birth story, and she has brought up Nevan lots, which is nice. I have found myself feeling shocked at the way they talk, like just because they're pregnant means a live baby will be coming home with them. I think I'm jealous I'll never have that innocence again. She asked me to go to the hospital when she gives birth, and at first, I thought she meant just to visit. But I think she means for the birth, which I don't think I can do.
And speaking of people treating us 'normally' or not, there's another baby shower this weekend for the cousin who showed up 6 months pregnant at our wedding, without telling us. Needless to say, I'm not going!! Luckily, we had plans already, so I don't even have to make up an excuse! Whatever works, right?
Lately, I'm feeling like I'm being pulled in 2 directions. I'm really trying to think positively and look towards the future and this new baby. I find my mind thinking of Nevan, my pregnancy with her, my birth, our hospital experience, everything to do with her. I still often cry, and I think Chris just wants me to look forward. In fact, he has said he's sometimes worried about my emotions and their impact on this baby. I feel like I need to go through this grief now, and that I'm doing really well considering. I think I have to just go through it all to ever move forward. Never forgetting.

Uggghhh facebook. Just checked it cause I was bored, but bad idea. The cousin has pics posted of the twins in pumpkin costumes of course. They have gotten cute and fat now. And they look kind of how I pictured Nevan would look (but she'd have been cuter of course). Someone else had posted 'bump' pics. This inspired me to look back through my photos of my pregnancy with Nevan. I looked so happy. Where's that girl gone? It also made me realize the thought of taking bump pics has not even crossed my mind this time........

It's time......

I've been putting this off for weeks now. Partly because I was afraid of "jinxing" myself, partly because I know it's hard to hear. I'm pregnant again, just over 14 wks. I see lots of blm's announcing right away, but I thought "that's so early, I'll wait till 9wks". Then, I thought I'd better wait till 12, just in case. Then, might as well wait till I get into the 2nd trimester. So here I am, and while I know it doesn't mean everything will be fine, I'm glad to have made it to this milestone. I'm going to the OB who did my c-section with Nevan, and so far he's been amazing. We went to the appt in his high-risk clinic, but he wants us to go to his low-risk so that I "can have as normal a pregnancy as possible". haha! I wish I could delete all the info I've learned about babyloss in the past 8 months, and then we'd see! Anyways, he's doing a c-section at 38 weeks, and will be doing lots more monitoring towards the end.
I'm not sure the pregnancy feels totally real yet. Even though we've seen the baby on ultrasound and I'm sporting a mean bump. I'm trying to stay really positive, but it feels like there's such a long way to go until April. Chris and I went out and bought an outfit for the baby that I've hung up where I can see it everyday, and picture the baby coming home.
I've had 2 dreams about this baby, in both he/she's living and growing. In one Nevan was there at the beginning, my sister was handing her to me and she was so big, like 2 years old. Then she was gone but the new baby was in my arms. I haven't had any dreams of Nevan, except right after she died, I'd have stress dreams I pushed harder in labour and she came out faster and we saved her. In this new dream I could actually see what she'd look like at 2 (I think anyway). I've been waiting to have a dream about her, I always hear of people who dream of their babies, but it took me a long time. Chris thinks it means she's watching over her little brother or sister, and I love that idea.
All in all, this pregnancy hasn't changed my grief. I think time is making daily life easier, but I'm still sad, I still miss Nevan soo much. I always think of her when we're out and see babies, especially bigger babies now. I still have triggers and still cry often. I haven't told hardly anyone in real life, except our immediate families and a few friends. I'm really dreading the happy reactions, and the expectations that I should be over my grief now. Sigh... anyways, I am extremely happy to be pregnant again and know we're very lucky. Just trying to take one day at a time and keep thinking good thoughts.

While talking to my mom last night, she told me that her and my dad had had a long talk about Nevan the other day. My dad hasn't really said all that much to me about Nevan, but he told my mom that he's just realizing now how big the loss is, and that she's from his blood. I'm just glad they're finally talking, and talking to me about her. Then my mom shocked me and told me she's getting a tattoo for Nevan!! My mom's 61 and pretty hip for a lady of that age, but I'd never picture her with a tattoo. She said she wants to do something for her, and getting a tattoo is on her 'bucket list'. It's going to be of a broken heart with Nevan's name. I think it sums up everything perfectly.

It's been a while...

I haven't posted here in a long long time. I've been reading, lurking, not commenting much. I guess I haven't had much to say. Oct 15th was both Pregnancy and Infant Loss awareness day, and Nevan should have been 8 months. I lit candles for her and all the other babies gone too soon. I'm finding lately that the passing of time is helping a bit. Don't get me wrong, I still miss her horribly, and have my dark moments and bad times, but I guess the living day to day is getting much easier. I'm realizing that even though this awful thing has happened to us, I'm an extremely lucky person and have a lot to be thankful for in my life. Maybe I'm now getting to the "acceptance" part of grief?

On a side note, there are lots of "little things" that bother me. For example, one of Chris's cousins showed up at our wedding 6 MONTHS PREGNANT without telling us! No one else in the family had told us beforehand either.........I guess it's good we found out before the baby's born???
Also, at work last week the boss came out of her office and stood right beside me, and then announced very loudly to the whole studio (25 people, in a huge room) that an old coworker had just had her baby at 33 wks, he was in the NICU, but everyone was wonderful and doing great and so happy. Of course I'm glad everything's ok, but really?? Did she have to stand right beside me when she announced that??? uggggh.....people.

Anyways, I'm trying to look past the "little things" and stay positive! Right now, life is feeling alright, maybe even good. I'm enjoying it and going with it, cause it's been a long long time!

Just after Nevan died, the ladies at my work put together a care basket for us, filled with p.j's, treats, bath stuff, and lots of movies. The movies were all a random selection and I watched some at the time, others I just forgot about. Tonight my friend was over and we were too lazy to go rent a movie, so we decided to watch one I had here. We watched 'The Music Within', one of the movies given to me by my coworkers. The first scene in the movie is a heavily pregnant woman rushing to the hospital to give birth. The doctor comes out of the room to give news to her family, and he just shakes his head. Cut to the woman being wheeled out of the hospital in a wheelchair crying. She goes on to lose more babies, and then takes an overdose of sleeping pills on each baby's birthday every year. Yikes - intense, I know. Now, the woman who organized the basket is the sweetest, nicest ever, and I'm sure she'd be horrified if she knew what they sent me!! I'm also pretty glad I didn't watch this movie in the darkest days of my grieving. I don't think I'd have handled it very well then. It didn't make me upset watching it tonight, but more surprised I think. I can't recall any other movie or tv show that has mentioned babyloss (oh-except Marley and Me). I don't really know what I'm trying to say with this post, but I guess I'm surprised babyloss was mentioned in this movie, when it's so rarely talked about in our society.