2 years...

To Sweet Nevan,

I haven't posted here in a long time, but I think of you everyday. Your brother gives me so much joy, and I'm in a good place right now, but of course I miss you and wish you were here.

Today is 2 years since you were born. I can't believe that much time's gone by. I've been remembering our short time with you and looking through your memory box. Daddy had to work today, so on Sunday we're going to release some balloons for you down at the beach, and spend the day together as a family. Our dream is to plant a weeping cherry tree in your memory once we buy some property to build our house on. We'll be able to look out the kitchen window and see your tree and think of you everyday. I have to admit, I'm a little upset that some people very close to us have not said a word about today, but then the people most important (me, your dad, and nana) all remember and think of you often.

Sweet girl, you're forever in our hearts.
Love Mommy

updates...

Wow, it's been almost 2 months since I've posted here. I've been reading, but not really commenting, as I'm short on time usually, or only have one hand free to type.

Lennon's 10wks old, and the time has flown by. Things here are busy and good, although at times I still can't believe how hard parenting a live child can be! I also realize how incredibly lucky I am to have him, even when I'm going through the "hard" moments.

I do feel having him has been a bit healing of my grief for Nevan. The initial 2 weeks after his birth I was hugely emotional and really thinking of her a lot. And I do still think of her everyday, and wonder how life would be different if she were here, but I haven't been deeply sad for a while. Sad, yes, but no really terrible days like I'd have before. I'm hoping this is maybe a new phase of grief, remembering, holding her close, and moving forward. Her little brother is a little joy, and I know we're so lucky to have him with us.

He's here

Lennon Christopher was born April 11, at 8:52 am by scheduled c-section. (that's him, sleeping on daddy's chest). It was unbelievable to hear his first cry, and sometimes I still have a hard time believing he's here and alive and doing well. I was pretty much an emotional wreck the first week and a half, part hormones and part missing his sister and all the what-if's.
I'm very happy and very sleep deprived. Mothering a live baby is hard. I knew it would be, but it's still a bit of a surprise. I thought I'd be so grateful to have a live baby (and I am) that nothing would phase me. We've had a bit of a rough time with breastfeeding, and Lennon ended up losing a lot of weight, which was frightening and stressful. We're supplementing now, and he's gaining, so hopefully things are on the right track.
It's really bittersweet, having him here, and missing Nevan. I thought he would look just like her, but he's completely his own person. (maybe they have the same nose).
Anyways, things are good here, baby boy's here safe and sound, for which I'm grateful, and I still miss his sister.

3.5 more weeks.......

Just a few more weeks to go, until hopefully we'll be holding this little guy safe and healthy in our arms. I'm hoping the time flies by, as I'm starting to get very very anxious. We're onto weekly appts and ultrasounds now, I've developed a bit of excess amniotic fluid, so the doc is watching us closely. He said he's not at all concerned, he just wanted me to have an uneventful textbook pregnancy, and this is a bit of a complication. I've also been having braxton hicks contractions daily since 20 wks, which really freaked me out, but which is apparently normal in pregnancies spaced close together. I've been done work for a few weeks now (due to the contractions and long commute) and have a few more to go. The thought of 6 weeks to sit and stew about this baby's safe arrival really freaked me out, but so far the time is flying, and I'm not sure I'll be able to finish up everything I want to. I've been really trying to stay positive and think about bringing this one safely home, but the panic and anxiety creep in a few times a day. The weekly appt's are helping, so is the fact that this guy is way more active than his sister was. Just need to keep busy for a while longer!

To my sweet girl:

Happy first birthday. It's been a whole year since our lives were changed forever. I've had an emotional week, but today was not so bad. Daddy and I took some balloons (and Angus) down to the beach. It was a beautiful sunny day with not a cloud in the sky, and not that cold either! Daddy said some beautiful words, then we released the balloons and watched them as they rose higher and higher into the sky. Because there were no clouds, I think we could see them for a good 10 mins or so, until they were a tiny pin drop in the sky. It was a really nice little ceremony, just our family.

On the weekend we went to Nana's. She surprised me with a beautiful memory book she made for you. It's absolutely amazing and full of happy and sad memories. There are pics from my pregnancy with you, my baby shower, and then the hospital pics of you and the ones of you, daddy and me as a family. It really means a lot to me to have a book for you. She also surprised me by showing me her new tattoo! She told me a while ago that she was thinking of getting one, but I was still shocked! It's delicate and beautiful, your name with a tiny broken heart.

We've received some nice messages today from your auntie's L, K and T, and got some nice flowers from auntie C. It's nice to hear that people are thinking of you today.

I hope you know I think of you everyday, and will miss and love you forever.

Love mommy

Life has been crazy lately. With the move and everything, settling in etc. My commute to work's now over 3 hours a day, which is exhausting. I feel I don't have the time to do anything when I get home, except eat and go to bed. The plus of this is that I haven't been stressing over this baby/pregnancy much lately, too exhausting! I must say, that's nice for a change. The other side of this is that because I'm overtired, I've been super emotional all week about Nevan's upcoming anniversary this week. Actually, I'm probably just super emotional because she should be one this week instead of dead. I've decided I just want to be with Chris on her birthday. I think we'll release some balloons at the beach we went to a lot after she died, where I saw the beautiful monarch butterfly (in February in Canada in snow!). I have a few days off work as well, and plan to just rest, be gentle on myself, and catch up on blogs. 5 weeks left of work, but 2 of those are short, so really only 3. It's not like I'm counting or anything:)

changes.......

The next few months will be bringing about lots of changes in our lives. We're moving this weekend, out of the city. I'm excited, but generally a bit stressed about the move. Can't wait till it's done! Chris is changing jobs in a few weeks. He'll be working 9-5 hours now, which is amazing, because for our whole relationship we've worked opposite shifts. So I'm also very excited about his new job. Finally, in April, we'll (hopefully) be bringing home Nevan's little brother. This week I'm feeling very hopeful, but I still have almost 12 wks to go until our planned c-section at 38.5 wks. Trying to stay calm, but there's always something to worry about in the back of my mind.

The other thing that's been on my mind constantly lately is that in about a month, it will be Nevan's one year anniversary dates. Born on the 15th of February, died on the 16th. I have no idea what to do to mark the dates, it all seems very overwhelming. I do know I want to make a memory book with photos from my pregnancy, showers, and our pics of her at the hospital. I've been wanting to do this all year, so I figure it would be nice to do it in time for her one year. Other than that, I'm lost as what to do, but maybe after the move I can figure something out.

2010 over.....thankfully

I'll be glad to see 2010 go. Bring on 2011, especially April, and please please please let it be better than 2010.

It started out ok, with lots of hope, expectation and excitement with the approaching birth of our first child. And even when she was born, we had the tears of joy moment, and "it's a girl" happy surprise. About an hour later in the recovery room, we found out the news that everything would not be ok, and our world was about to be shattered. Since then it's been 10 long months of grief, shock, guilt, blame, sadness, jealousy, bitterness, longing, loneliness, mixed in with a bit of happiness, gratefulness, and hope. I never thought I could cry so many tears, miss someone I never really knew so much, and just feel so full of despair. After the initial shock wore off, I never would have thought I had the strength to live through the loss of Nevan, but here I am, quickly approaching the one year mark, and still standing.

If I can think about the good things to come out of 2010, C and I got married. The death of our daughter has brought us closer together, which I'm thankful for, and I'm extremely grateful to be with an amazing man like him. Also, I'm extremely grateful that I got pregnant with Nevan's little brother. It's been quite a ride so far, full of both anxiety and hope, and I'm praying he stays safe and well, and gets here in April.

So goodbye 2010! I will move forward, carrying Nevan with me in my heart, hopefully towards a brighter and better 2011.

done!

I'm glad xmas is over! Actually, I can't wait for this time next week, when 2010 will be done too. I didn't expect to have a hard time with yesterday, seeing as C and I were not doing xmas at all. We had planned to just stay home the 2 of us, make some food and relax and watch movies all day. We did end up doing that, and it was good. I had one huge melt down in the evening, but other than that was ok.
This week has been an emotional one for me anyways. Our friends had their baby on the 23rd. We weren't really close to these people when we had Nevan, but in the months since, we've become close. I've had a couple chats with the girl about Nevan, and they've treated us like normal people, which has been nice. Anyway, I've still been dreading their baby's birth since we found out she was pregnant. C called me on the night of the 22nd to tell me she was in labor and he'd be bringing their dogs over. I had a huge breakdown, and cried more than I have in a long, long time. I guess it brought back major flashbacks and memories to my labor with Nevan. I was really stressed out all day at work the next day, not sure if it was selfishly about me, or worried that her labor was taking so long. Anyways, their son was born healthy and fine on the night of the 23rd. We went up to see him on the 24th. I was feeling really stressed about meeting him, and just wanted to get it out of the way. I almost lost it as we got out of the elevator on the maternity ward. All I could hear was crying newborns, and then so many happy people in the waiting room it was rough. I held it together, and meeting the new baby was actually ok. He's very sweet and I held him for a while. I was glad to get it out of the way.
I'm now 23 wks along with Nevan's little brother. The pregnancy feels like it's taking forever, and I swing back and forth between hopeful and majorly stressed. I started having braxton hicks contractions at 20wks, which really freaked me out. The night before an OB appt last week, I was having so many, which of course caused major stress. I had a complete breakdown in my appt, and my OB was very kind, gave me 2 ultrasounds, one to check the baby and one to check my cervix. Both are fine. Apparently it's very normal to have the bh contractions this early in a 2nd pregnancy. He said if I ever needed reassurance, just go to the hospital and they would check me. So that's a bit of a relief I guess. I'm really trying to stay hopeful and positive, but it's hard. April can't come fast enough.

holidays.....

I just took the dog for a nice walk in the snow. I really love walking at night in the snow, especially now, it reminds me of the first night I was in labor with Nevan. It was such a beautiful calm and quiet night, with big snowflakes falling. I made Chris walk forever around the neighborhood, hoping it would make the contractions stronger!

Soon after Nevan died, I started to dread the holidays, even though they were almost a year away. I told Chris we were going away for sure this Christmas. Unfortunately, it's not really in the budget this year for us to pick up and leave and go somewhere far away, preferably where they don't celebrate Christmas! I have told our families we're not doing Christmas this year. We'll visit them sometime in December, but from the 24th-26th, I'm avoiding everything. I figure I've already faked happy through Easter, Thanksgiving, and numerous birthdays, so I'm not doing it during the holidays. It's a huge weight off my chest, and I'm actually looking forward to just staying home, hanging with the husb and Angus (the dog) and maybe doing something anti-celebratory, like going to a movie or something. We'll be thinking of our girl too, and as always, wishing things had turned out differently.

9 mos

Sweet Nevan,

You were born 9 months ago today. You died in my arms 9 months ago tomorrow. We've now been grieving you longer than I carried you in my body. At times I still can't believe this happened to us. I've known 2 babies born in the past year - both very premature, one born with his stomach outside his body - both are alive and thriving now. You were my healthy full term baby, but didn't make it due to some random accident in labour. I just don't understand it all.
I went back to work at the ballet today. I haven't been there since I left for maternity leave with you. I was lucky enough to get contracts with other companies in the city until now, so I'm back there. It's a very wierd deja-vu working there again, I'll be there roughly the same length of time I was with you until I go on maternity leave again. And I'll be going through another pregnancy with the same people I did last time. I'm hoping and praying the outcome is different this time.
I still miss you and ache for you every day my sweet girl. I so wish you were here with us right now. I love you.

A first

I went to my first baby shower on Sunday (the first since my own with Nevan). It was actually not too bad. It was co-ed, so it wasn't really a typical girly shower with all that gushing and ooh-ing and ahh-ing. It was for my husband's business partner and wife, who we've become pretty close to in the last 6 months. And while they don't get our grief at all, they have been pretty cool with us, and treated us like we were normal people. It was really hard for me to hear about her pregnancy (which they told us about at 5 wks) just 2 months after Nevan died. I told her my whole birth story, and she has brought up Nevan lots, which is nice. I have found myself feeling shocked at the way they talk, like just because they're pregnant means a live baby will be coming home with them. I think I'm jealous I'll never have that innocence again. She asked me to go to the hospital when she gives birth, and at first, I thought she meant just to visit. But I think she means for the birth, which I don't think I can do.
And speaking of people treating us 'normally' or not, there's another baby shower this weekend for the cousin who showed up 6 months pregnant at our wedding, without telling us. Needless to say, I'm not going!! Luckily, we had plans already, so I don't even have to make up an excuse! Whatever works, right?
Lately, I'm feeling like I'm being pulled in 2 directions. I'm really trying to think positively and look towards the future and this new baby. I find my mind thinking of Nevan, my pregnancy with her, my birth, our hospital experience, everything to do with her. I still often cry, and I think Chris just wants me to look forward. In fact, he has said he's sometimes worried about my emotions and their impact on this baby. I feel like I need to go through this grief now, and that I'm doing really well considering. I think I have to just go through it all to ever move forward. Never forgetting.

Uggghhh facebook. Just checked it cause I was bored, but bad idea. The cousin has pics posted of the twins in pumpkin costumes of course. They have gotten cute and fat now. And they look kind of how I pictured Nevan would look (but she'd have been cuter of course). Someone else had posted 'bump' pics. This inspired me to look back through my photos of my pregnancy with Nevan. I looked so happy. Where's that girl gone? It also made me realize the thought of taking bump pics has not even crossed my mind this time........

It's time......

I've been putting this off for weeks now. Partly because I was afraid of "jinxing" myself, partly because I know it's hard to hear. I'm pregnant again, just over 14 wks. I see lots of blm's announcing right away, but I thought "that's so early, I'll wait till 9wks". Then, I thought I'd better wait till 12, just in case. Then, might as well wait till I get into the 2nd trimester. So here I am, and while I know it doesn't mean everything will be fine, I'm glad to have made it to this milestone. I'm going to the OB who did my c-section with Nevan, and so far he's been amazing. We went to the appt in his high-risk clinic, but he wants us to go to his low-risk so that I "can have as normal a pregnancy as possible". haha! I wish I could delete all the info I've learned about babyloss in the past 8 months, and then we'd see! Anyways, he's doing a c-section at 38 weeks, and will be doing lots more monitoring towards the end.
I'm not sure the pregnancy feels totally real yet. Even though we've seen the baby on ultrasound and I'm sporting a mean bump. I'm trying to stay really positive, but it feels like there's such a long way to go until April. Chris and I went out and bought an outfit for the baby that I've hung up where I can see it everyday, and picture the baby coming home.
I've had 2 dreams about this baby, in both he/she's living and growing. In one Nevan was there at the beginning, my sister was handing her to me and she was so big, like 2 years old. Then she was gone but the new baby was in my arms. I haven't had any dreams of Nevan, except right after she died, I'd have stress dreams I pushed harder in labour and she came out faster and we saved her. In this new dream I could actually see what she'd look like at 2 (I think anyway). I've been waiting to have a dream about her, I always hear of people who dream of their babies, but it took me a long time. Chris thinks it means she's watching over her little brother or sister, and I love that idea.
All in all, this pregnancy hasn't changed my grief. I think time is making daily life easier, but I'm still sad, I still miss Nevan soo much. I always think of her when we're out and see babies, especially bigger babies now. I still have triggers and still cry often. I haven't told hardly anyone in real life, except our immediate families and a few friends. I'm really dreading the happy reactions, and the expectations that I should be over my grief now. Sigh... anyways, I am extremely happy to be pregnant again and know we're very lucky. Just trying to take one day at a time and keep thinking good thoughts.

While talking to my mom last night, she told me that her and my dad had had a long talk about Nevan the other day. My dad hasn't really said all that much to me about Nevan, but he told my mom that he's just realizing now how big the loss is, and that she's from his blood. I'm just glad they're finally talking, and talking to me about her. Then my mom shocked me and told me she's getting a tattoo for Nevan!! My mom's 61 and pretty hip for a lady of that age, but I'd never picture her with a tattoo. She said she wants to do something for her, and getting a tattoo is on her 'bucket list'. It's going to be of a broken heart with Nevan's name. I think it sums up everything perfectly.

It's been a while...

I haven't posted here in a long long time. I've been reading, lurking, not commenting much. I guess I haven't had much to say. Oct 15th was both Pregnancy and Infant Loss awareness day, and Nevan should have been 8 months. I lit candles for her and all the other babies gone too soon. I'm finding lately that the passing of time is helping a bit. Don't get me wrong, I still miss her horribly, and have my dark moments and bad times, but I guess the living day to day is getting much easier. I'm realizing that even though this awful thing has happened to us, I'm an extremely lucky person and have a lot to be thankful for in my life. Maybe I'm now getting to the "acceptance" part of grief?

On a side note, there are lots of "little things" that bother me. For example, one of Chris's cousins showed up at our wedding 6 MONTHS PREGNANT without telling us! No one else in the family had told us beforehand either.........I guess it's good we found out before the baby's born???
Also, at work last week the boss came out of her office and stood right beside me, and then announced very loudly to the whole studio (25 people, in a huge room) that an old coworker had just had her baby at 33 wks, he was in the NICU, but everyone was wonderful and doing great and so happy. Of course I'm glad everything's ok, but really?? Did she have to stand right beside me when she announced that??? uggggh.....people.

Anyways, I'm trying to look past the "little things" and stay positive! Right now, life is feeling alright, maybe even good. I'm enjoying it and going with it, cause it's been a long long time!

Just after Nevan died, the ladies at my work put together a care basket for us, filled with p.j's, treats, bath stuff, and lots of movies. The movies were all a random selection and I watched some at the time, others I just forgot about. Tonight my friend was over and we were too lazy to go rent a movie, so we decided to watch one I had here. We watched 'The Music Within', one of the movies given to me by my coworkers. The first scene in the movie is a heavily pregnant woman rushing to the hospital to give birth. The doctor comes out of the room to give news to her family, and he just shakes his head. Cut to the woman being wheeled out of the hospital in a wheelchair crying. She goes on to lose more babies, and then takes an overdose of sleeping pills on each baby's birthday every year. Yikes - intense, I know. Now, the woman who organized the basket is the sweetest, nicest ever, and I'm sure she'd be horrified if she knew what they sent me!! I'm also pretty glad I didn't watch this movie in the darkest days of my grieving. I don't think I'd have handled it very well then. It didn't make me upset watching it tonight, but more surprised I think. I can't recall any other movie or tv show that has mentioned babyloss (oh-except Marley and Me). I don't really know what I'm trying to say with this post, but I guess I'm surprised babyloss was mentioned in this movie, when it's so rarely talked about in our society.

To my sweet girl,

Daddy and I got married on Saturday. We've been living as common law 'husband and wife' for the last 4 years, and I was always quite happy with that. In the months since you've been gone, it became important for us to make it official, which we did on the weekend. In the wake of losing you we have grown much closer and stronger as a couple. I am so lucky to have such an amazing man as your dad in my life. I know he would have taught you wonderful life lessons, and I would have hoped you'd grow up to be like him. Instead Nevan, you've taught us that life is indeed too short, and we should cherish every moment with the ones we love.

The ceremony itself was beautiful. Our minister is our next door neighbor, so it was very personal and we included you throughout the night. The ceremony started with the minister placing dad's eukelele, my shears and some of my dress fabric, and your photo and the quilt I made for you on a table to represent the 3 of us as a family. She talked about you a lot in the ceremony, which made me happy because it was the first time we've seen most of the people there since last christmas, when I was very pregnant with you. Your auntie Kelly made a beautiful speech which included you, and so did uncle Jay. There was also a slideshow of pics from our lives, which included my pregnancy with you, our hour together in the hospital, and your butterfly release. It was beautiful and touched my heart. It was so nice to have everyone talking freely about you, and we got many comments on how beautiful the night was.

It was a happy night for us, and I hope you were smiling down on us and could feel the immense love for you from our whole family. We miss you baby girl, but carry you with us in our hearts.
Love Mommy.

6 months...

Nevan,

It's already been/it's only been 6 months. I don't have much to say, except I miss you. Life has been hard without you this week. I haven't cried as much as I did this week in a long long time. Everyday before and after work, sometimes on the subway on the way home. I must seem like a crazy lady to people. I guess it's true what I've heard other BLM's say, that the lead up is worse than the actual day. I'm sad, I'm hurting, and realizing this pain will never go away. It's dulled sometimes, by good days, good friends, family, and especially your dad, but I think I'll carry it with me forever. I'm really trying to live a good life and stay positive for you baby girl, but it was hard this week. Just know, I'm thinking of you, your're in my heart, and I love you.

Mommy