2 years...

To Sweet Nevan,

I haven't posted here in a long time, but I think of you everyday. Your brother gives me so much joy, and I'm in a good place right now, but of course I miss you and wish you were here.

Today is 2 years since you were born. I can't believe that much time's gone by. I've been remembering our short time with you and looking through your memory box. Daddy had to work today, so on Sunday we're going to release some balloons for you down at the beach, and spend the day together as a family. Our dream is to plant a weeping cherry tree in your memory once we buy some property to build our house on. We'll be able to look out the kitchen window and see your tree and think of you everyday. I have to admit, I'm a little upset that some people very close to us have not said a word about today, but then the people most important (me, your dad, and nana) all remember and think of you often.

Sweet girl, you're forever in our hearts.
Love Mommy

updates...

Wow, it's been almost 2 months since I've posted here. I've been reading, but not really commenting, as I'm short on time usually, or only have one hand free to type.

Lennon's 10wks old, and the time has flown by. Things here are busy and good, although at times I still can't believe how hard parenting a live child can be! I also realize how incredibly lucky I am to have him, even when I'm going through the "hard" moments.

I do feel having him has been a bit healing of my grief for Nevan. The initial 2 weeks after his birth I was hugely emotional and really thinking of her a lot. And I do still think of her everyday, and wonder how life would be different if she were here, but I haven't been deeply sad for a while. Sad, yes, but no really terrible days like I'd have before. I'm hoping this is maybe a new phase of grief, remembering, holding her close, and moving forward. Her little brother is a little joy, and I know we're so lucky to have him with us.

He's here

Lennon Christopher was born April 11, at 8:52 am by scheduled c-section. (that's him, sleeping on daddy's chest). It was unbelievable to hear his first cry, and sometimes I still have a hard time believing he's here and alive and doing well. I was pretty much an emotional wreck the first week and a half, part hormones and part missing his sister and all the what-if's.
I'm very happy and very sleep deprived. Mothering a live baby is hard. I knew it would be, but it's still a bit of a surprise. I thought I'd be so grateful to have a live baby (and I am) that nothing would phase me. We've had a bit of a rough time with breastfeeding, and Lennon ended up losing a lot of weight, which was frightening and stressful. We're supplementing now, and he's gaining, so hopefully things are on the right track.
It's really bittersweet, having him here, and missing Nevan. I thought he would look just like her, but he's completely his own person. (maybe they have the same nose).
Anyways, things are good here, baby boy's here safe and sound, for which I'm grateful, and I still miss his sister.

3.5 more weeks.......

Just a few more weeks to go, until hopefully we'll be holding this little guy safe and healthy in our arms. I'm hoping the time flies by, as I'm starting to get very very anxious. We're onto weekly appts and ultrasounds now, I've developed a bit of excess amniotic fluid, so the doc is watching us closely. He said he's not at all concerned, he just wanted me to have an uneventful textbook pregnancy, and this is a bit of a complication. I've also been having braxton hicks contractions daily since 20 wks, which really freaked me out, but which is apparently normal in pregnancies spaced close together. I've been done work for a few weeks now (due to the contractions and long commute) and have a few more to go. The thought of 6 weeks to sit and stew about this baby's safe arrival really freaked me out, but so far the time is flying, and I'm not sure I'll be able to finish up everything I want to. I've been really trying to stay positive and think about bringing this one safely home, but the panic and anxiety creep in a few times a day. The weekly appt's are helping, so is the fact that this guy is way more active than his sister was. Just need to keep busy for a while longer!

To my sweet girl:

Happy first birthday. It's been a whole year since our lives were changed forever. I've had an emotional week, but today was not so bad. Daddy and I took some balloons (and Angus) down to the beach. It was a beautiful sunny day with not a cloud in the sky, and not that cold either! Daddy said some beautiful words, then we released the balloons and watched them as they rose higher and higher into the sky. Because there were no clouds, I think we could see them for a good 10 mins or so, until they were a tiny pin drop in the sky. It was a really nice little ceremony, just our family.

On the weekend we went to Nana's. She surprised me with a beautiful memory book she made for you. It's absolutely amazing and full of happy and sad memories. There are pics from my pregnancy with you, my baby shower, and then the hospital pics of you and the ones of you, daddy and me as a family. It really means a lot to me to have a book for you. She also surprised me by showing me her new tattoo! She told me a while ago that she was thinking of getting one, but I was still shocked! It's delicate and beautiful, your name with a tiny broken heart.

We've received some nice messages today from your auntie's L, K and T, and got some nice flowers from auntie C. It's nice to hear that people are thinking of you today.

I hope you know I think of you everyday, and will miss and love you forever.

Love mommy

Life has been crazy lately. With the move and everything, settling in etc. My commute to work's now over 3 hours a day, which is exhausting. I feel I don't have the time to do anything when I get home, except eat and go to bed. The plus of this is that I haven't been stressing over this baby/pregnancy much lately, too exhausting! I must say, that's nice for a change. The other side of this is that because I'm overtired, I've been super emotional all week about Nevan's upcoming anniversary this week. Actually, I'm probably just super emotional because she should be one this week instead of dead. I've decided I just want to be with Chris on her birthday. I think we'll release some balloons at the beach we went to a lot after she died, where I saw the beautiful monarch butterfly (in February in Canada in snow!). I have a few days off work as well, and plan to just rest, be gentle on myself, and catch up on blogs. 5 weeks left of work, but 2 of those are short, so really only 3. It's not like I'm counting or anything:)

changes.......

The next few months will be bringing about lots of changes in our lives. We're moving this weekend, out of the city. I'm excited, but generally a bit stressed about the move. Can't wait till it's done! Chris is changing jobs in a few weeks. He'll be working 9-5 hours now, which is amazing, because for our whole relationship we've worked opposite shifts. So I'm also very excited about his new job. Finally, in April, we'll (hopefully) be bringing home Nevan's little brother. This week I'm feeling very hopeful, but I still have almost 12 wks to go until our planned c-section at 38.5 wks. Trying to stay calm, but there's always something to worry about in the back of my mind.

The other thing that's been on my mind constantly lately is that in about a month, it will be Nevan's one year anniversary dates. Born on the 15th of February, died on the 16th. I have no idea what to do to mark the dates, it all seems very overwhelming. I do know I want to make a memory book with photos from my pregnancy, showers, and our pics of her at the hospital. I've been wanting to do this all year, so I figure it would be nice to do it in time for her one year. Other than that, I'm lost as what to do, but maybe after the move I can figure something out.